On Life’s Major Disappointments

Following a severely damaging loss by the Phillies on Halloween night, I couldn't bring myself to feel much more than a long line of painful fucking disappointments. What's the old saying? "When life gives you lemons...kill yourself." This all spawned from one deep and emotional conversation involving a childhood memory and a long strand of…

Hipster on S-E-P-T-A

Let me tell you the story Of a bearded Hipster and his tragic and fateful time... Hipster grabbed his bike and kissed his Vegan Girlfriend Went to ride on the Frankford Line Did he ever return, No he never returned And his fate is still unlearn'd He may ride forever On the Market-Frankford He's the…

Tales of a Graduate Nothing

You probably wake up around the time she does. Not really by choice, that's just when the alarm goes off. You're practically conditioned at this point, you couldn't stay asleep past 6:30 if you tried, and believe me, you could really try most days... As she gets ready for work, you lay in bed, thinking…

The SuperDPS Guide to Un-Sexy

As an American male who has long-since been desensitized to the likes of Two Girls, One Cup, I think it's safe to say there is very little taboo in this age. You can be a sexual deviant and be a mega-star. You can be a child predator and still wind up making it big on…

The SuperDPS Guide to Dirty Words and When to Use Them

There are a seemingly countless amount of filthy terms and phrases out there. Some, we use every day. Others tend to be cringe-worthy and unmentionable in certain circles. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being offensive, politically incorrect, or verbally abrasive, but you must understand that some phrases carry more weight than others. This is…

The 5 People You Meet at House Parties

The house party is a fascinating beast. I speak not of a social gathering amongst friends; a situation in which you are familiar with at least 75% of the individuals in attendance. The unholy creature which I am attempting to illustrate reeks more of something out of lore--a somewhat biblical behemoth that devours the self…

Porn Star Adrianna Nicole’s Ten Reasons Why I Probably Don’t Want to Hang Out With You

1) You are a heterosexual male/female using the word 'Fag' in a pejorative manner. 2) You are a woman with a child who told the child's father 'of course I'm on the pill' in order to make the selfish decision to have a child just that, all your decision. What ever 'smart' reasons you might…

What the Fuck Happened? Actors Turned Musicians

It's no secret that we live in a world of excess. The zeitgeist indicates that we are no longer content in simply being good or even great, we need to be better--do more--even if that means dangerously shoving ourselves past the points of logic, common sense, and personal ability. I'd like to focus, for the sake…

Fuck You: Confessions of an Urban Fairy

Yeah, I'm a fuckin' fairy! Fuck you! I ain't no pussy-ass pixie-throwin' tinkerballs, motherfucker. I mean, yeah, I do throw pixie dust, but that's only, like, eight-and-a-motherfuckin-half-percent of my fuckin' job. All you cunts wanna hate on me, but I don't fuckin' give a shit. I ain't no tooth-stealin' pillow pusher. I may be a…

The Top 10 Famous Female D-Bags

The term 'douchebag' gets thrown around a lot these days. It holds with it a stigma that tends to be uniquely masculine. When characterizing a female as particularly "in your face" or "intellectually offensive," one might use terms like 'bitch' or the ever popular 'C-Word.' It must be noted, however, that these terms (while succinct…

An Open Letter to a Celebrity-Obsessed America

My Dear Celebrity-Obsessed Americans-- Though the whole world (especially the Western One) is crippled by their unhealthy appetite for tabloids and gossip entertainment that belittle and viciously attack the personal lives of those who they all wish that they could be, I can only speak on behalf of like-minded people within my own country (plus,…