Are you having a panic attack? Trouble breathing? Does it seem like the whole world is going insane, slowly crashing down around you as you spiral into a bottomless pit of depression and despair? Well, don’t worry–you’re in a good current year for your delusions of grandeur, body dysmorphia and political posturing. And because everyone seems to be doing it these days, no one will suspect a thing!
Identity used to be a niche that one could safely find ximself(?) in without being judged by similar normies where one could pretend to hate labels while secretly craving them. It used to be so cool! You could be a nerd guy (secret racist with a superiority complex), nerd girl (burnt-out math major and future mentally-abused care-giver of nerd guy), jock (illiterate glutton for authority), or cheerleader (burnt-out philosophy major and future physically-abused housewife of jock).
If you didn’t quite fit into any of those molds, don’t worry–because the most faux-alienated stereotypes always splinter off into their own tinier niches to further capitalize on the over-indulgent sympathy of their genetic superiors. There’s truly only one group who marginalize themselves in this way, and that group is: Nerds.
Nerds would then split into fractured symbiotic subgroups in a fleeting attempt at forming a personal identity; a term that parents with teenage children would refer to as “a phase.” These phases typically manifested in a type of gender-bending fashion statement for boys (i.e. goth, punk, emo, grunge, metal). Similarly for girls, adopting crazy hair colors, styles, flamboyant or overtly sexual attire in the genres mentioned would be considered a normal “phase,” mostly reflecting the pop culture of the time.
Both genders participating in activities that parents with teenage children would refer to as “disappointing their father.”
Today, however, Nerd Cultures have taken over the mainstream. Any plausible activity that may have previously been considered fringe or specialized to “geeks” and “indoor kids” has become the norm. And therefore, the need for a new identity has emerged. The search for a “new phase” has begun. But this time it’s effecting everyone from imaginative children to hormonal (or stripped of their proper hormones) teens to mentally unstable adults.
So, for the time being, in the current year, before we start allowing who-the-fuck-knows-what as a viable imaginary identity type, here are some helpful suggestions to adopt.
1. Gender Non-Conforming Free Spirit
We can’t always get what we want…unless we can! Are you super-jealous of the handful of people who actually suffer from the crippling mental anguish that comes from body/gender dysmorphia? If your answer is, “Well, no but I like wearing pink sometimes, so that makes me part female,” then gender bending may be for you!
2. Species Non-Conforming Free Spirit
If you’re the type of person who can’t seem to bring attention to yourself whether you’re a pink-haired morbidly obese man-child in a virtue-signaling graphic tee, then perhaps you’d like to get the kind of sympathetic attention afforded to pets and the severely physically handicapped.
3. Politically Inconvenient Racial Ideologue
It’s very easy to rely on your own sense of racial pride when your own life is virtually devoid of meaningful accomplishment. The Chinese have been the only racial group to have their own “towns” in every major city and not see a complete social breakdown, so congratulations on your newfound dedication to your Nordic or Afrikaan identities, racial elitists, but–sadly–you’ll never be superior to the Chinese.
4. Politically Illogical Social Media NPC
We understand, life can feel empty when you’re a boring automaton with no real personality. You want to float under the radar, but you also want to make sure everyone thinks you’re well-read, properly virtuous for the current social climate, or simply much more politically conscious than you actually are. Find a TV show or poorly written news magazine that closely matches what you think of as a proper political ideal, and then just repeat your fake ideology until The Rock gets elected president, or whatever.
5. Generic Autist
Because you’ve spent so much time pretending to like everything you see in order to avoid any minor confrontation, you’ve run into the soul-crushing problem of not really liking anything. There’s nothing you particularly enjoy. Everything you experience is essentially a fleeting and forgettable amusement park ride. But pretending to like things can be fun, too. Just get really hype about one or two things whenever they come up and you’ll be fine. The reality is that you’ll never have a conversation long enough for anyone to notice you don’t know what you’re talking about.
6. Blue-Pilled Normie
So you haven’t chosen an identity yet. No worries. You’re a blank slate and there’s no shame in that. You’re dangerously close to being a general autist, but don’t lose hope quite yet. You have plenty of time to be a genderqueer species-nonconforming walruskin resistance-fighter you always/never wanted to become. Or…consciously fight every instinct that you have and try to be an adult in the real-world.