Let’s be honest with each other. I’ve never been a sports fan. The only sport I ever really got into playing competitively was Four Square–and if you don’t know what that is, shame on you! Sure, I played the occasional game of Whiffle Ball, but never with a substantial amount of people. As far as watching sports on television, Baseball is my only sport of choice, but only if I’m in the mood to sit through it.
There are tons of (for lack of a better word) fucktarded sports out there, but do we really have to look over the borders to recognize the absurdity? Let’s find out–together. It’ll be a bonding experience.
1. Football–Just to be clear, we’re talking about American Football here. Soccer–or “Football” to the rest of the world–can be both engaging and intense (but usually isn’t). The only reason “Soccer” isn’t on this list is because it’s been around for-fucking-ever.
One of the earliest accounts of the sport came from Cicero’s account of a man killed when he was hit with a soccer ball while shaving in a barber shop. That’s fucking hardcore.
American Football was created by douchebag Walter Camp, who–like most people in the world–simply didn’t understand the rules of Rugby. The origin of “professional football” is commonly thought to be when Pudge Heffelfinger, a jock from Yale, was paid $500 to play the game for the Allegheny Athletic Association.
Now, the National Football League pays obscene amounts of money to the retarded, criminally insane, and socially bewildered in exchange for them to plow their bodies into one another and pretend to understand “plays” while multi-billion-dollar corporations can take advantage of the unprecedented commercial time. Thanks, Pudge.
2. Bullfighting–While I wouldn’t call myself an “animal rights activist,” I do feel that there should be certain restrictions when it comes to animal sacrifice. Although I fully understand the potentially damaging effects of meat production, I am a meat-eater and would never condemn the practice of raising animals for consumption.
The line should be drawn, however, when it comes to barbaric practices against semi-defenseless creatures for simple enjoyment.
Ancient Romans couldn’t control their blood lust. They were killing, butchering, and ripping apart every-fucking-thing they could get their hands on…which was probably what made them so intimidating.
Pope Pius V attempted to lead a Christian boycott of bullfighting which was later repealed, because–really, who listens to the Pope?
Bullfighting is still fairly common in Spain, but mostly for tourism purposes. Perhaps Spain should kick-off the practice of throwing tauromachy audience members into the ring with the tortured and pissed bulls and see how long that tradition lasts.
3. Poker–While not specifically a sport, it is definitely an activity that proponents are trying to be recognized as such. If you’re a successful poker player, you’ve done well for yourself and we’re all very proud and impressed…but don’t ask us to treat you as an athletes. We’ve already had to suck Tiger Woods’ cock for years, telling our children that he’s worthy of being on a Wheaties box…and we don’t have any saliva left.
Pamela Anderson’s VIP was cancelled so that they could show more Poker After Dark. What are 13 year olds without cable or internet supposed to masturbate to now?!
They could try jacking it to the Poker Host, but after a few seconds, the only people on the screen are Don Cheadle and a fat ass wearing sunglasses and a Stetson. Poker needs to remain in homes, casinos, and speak-easy’s…and off of my fucking television.
4. Golf–I’m not saying Tiger Woods is out of shape, but if your only competition is a dude who is out of breath walking up the hill to the green, you should re-think calling yourself an athlete. While golf is a gentlemen’s game, it doesn’t belong on television.
If golf is known as an activity for men and women to take a break from life and relax, there is very little about it that is relaxing. You’re constantly arguing, constantly swearing, and constantly chasing after a ball that you’ve just smacked kilometers away from you in a direction that you almost certainly didn’t mean to hit it.
If golf is allowed to take up precious television time, then Mini-Golf should be on ESPN. At least then, we can see children who aren’t cocky playing a game that they almost certainly won’t be payed for–along with the occasional opportunity to watch the little pricks burst into tears when their neon-green ball gets stuck in a fucking windmill.
5. Wife Carrying–I haven’t really watched the Olympics in quite some time, but this shitty sport would definitely serve to make them more interesting. Wife Carrying is essentially competitive domestic abuse. Contestants must carry their wife over their shoulders through a vexing obstacle course to claim their title of being the biggest National Joke.
Originating in Finland, Wife Carrying seems to be the only European exercise that rednecks looked at and said, “Why didn’t we think of that?!”
The only major Wife Carrying competitions are held in Finland, Wisconsin, and Michigan, which explains that men will go anywhere they have to in order to prove their dominance over women. I will be watching this non-sport closely in hopes that one day I will be able to see Jim Bob hauling his 400 pound wife through the mud in a display of super-human idiocy.
6. NASCAR/Horse Racing–Professional driving, like horse-racing, just seems asinine to me. If you enjoy watching good ol’ boys and midgets travelling around a circle at great speeds, perhaps sports just aren’t your thing.
I personally don’t know how much skill is involved in driving fast. I may be a lot…I don’t know…but I don’t care, either. But I suppose if I had to pick a winner here, NASCAR would come out on top. Because even though it’s a fucking stupid sport, at least the drivers don’t have to abuse animals that are better athlete than those dwarves could ever dream of becoming.
7. Octopush–Underwater Hockey somehow replaced real Hockey on this list by the narrowest of narrow margins–and here’s why:
-Octopush is a non-contact sport. The only legitimately exciting thing about Hockey is that at a point, a completely unnecessary fight will break out and the ice will run red. Octopush is for Octopussies.
-It’s not popular in America; therefore it is unimportant. Done.
8. Ultimate Fighting–If Ultimate Fighting is a sport, we need to legalize prostitution across the board. When two people get into a fight, it’s called assault. When two people get into a fight while wearing padded gloves, it’s a Gentlemen’s Boxing match. Ultimate Fighting (UFC) just throws all of that dignity and civility out the window.
The only reason I’m defending boxing over other blood sports is that its participants are semi-aware human beings…who will inevitably become drooling vegetables later in life.
If you’re a straight man who enjoys watching Wrestling or UFC, you’re not allowed to be homophobic. If you can cheer and drink through hours of sweaty male bodies slapping against one another–half of which involving pseudo-erotic cuddle-moves on the floor of the arena–you’re not allowed to be repulsed when two men kiss.
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2 thoughts on “Eight Sports That Can Go Fuck Themselves”
Agree on 2, 5, 6 and 7, but your points are invalid on the rest. Seems like an “I can’t play it so it must suck” kind of rant…
And with 250 channels to flick through, having more things to choose from isn’t so bad, yes? You can allways switch off and go play something.
Well it still seems you agree with me more than you disagree, so that’s good. Otherwise, you’re probably right!