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ORLY?!: Taitz, Liddy and the Abortion of Birthers

alexbwA while back, in April, I covered an archaic and objectively retarded Conservative movement idiotically dubbed “Teabagging.” Of course, this term was despised by the actual “Teabaggers” who wished to their non-existent gods that the fine people of FOX NEWS hadn’t permanently cemented their spot in history with a title associated with dunking one’s scrotum in another’s gaping mouth.

As we know, from experience and participation, we are not a very persistent people. We’re pig-headed, stubborn, ignorant (at times)…but if something isn’t working, we often just say “fuck it” and walk away. Essentially, this was the path of the Teabaggers, who (I imagine) stumbled into a moment of clarity in which they realized they were wasting more money  buying tea to toss around than they would be spending on whatever taxes they were protesting.

So they said “fuck it.” And now, they’ve (I say “they” because it’s undoubtedly the same group of town drunks and socially bewildered) moved on to something new! How wonderful for them!

The “new” asinine hot button issue is the Birther Movement; made up of the same xenophobic rednecks who still believe that Barack Hussein Obama is some sort of foreign terrorist Muslim Moleperson, or something.

His knowing smile says it all. W-H-Y is this Asshole allowed to leave his house? Could you at least phrase your hatred for Obama in a way that makes educated people say: Well, he does have a point???
His knowing smile says it all. W-H-Y is this Asshole allowed to leave his house? Could you at least phrase your hatred for Obama in a way that makes educated people say, "That's a reasonable point" instead of just mockingly posting your goofy ass on the internet, punch-drunk on your own idiocy?

They are called “Birthers” because they’re still demanding to see a birth certificate that Obama has shown the world on countless occasions. If only they could group all of these batshit insane fringe groups together and just classify the whole lot as an “Organization for the Blissfully Ignorant, Developmentally Disabled, and Semi-functionally Retarded.”

But, no…we have to be politically correct and simply refer to them as “The Republican Party.”

The list of “Birther” proponents reads as a list of America’s Most Pig Ignorant; and perhaps either people who are afraid of the Internet…or trust it too much.

A leading proponent is Philip J. Berg, an attorney from PA who also just happens to be a 9/11 Conspiracy Theorist (imagine that!) and…there are some rumors circulating that he just might be a Horse Fucker as well. But there’s absolutely no reason we should believe that…none.

Mr. Berg, please do the honorable thing and tell the good people of Pennsylvania that you are not, in fact, a Horse Fucker. Set the record straight.


Individuals such as Richard Shelby and Roy Blunt seem to question the legitimacy of Obama’s presidency so much, that it almost seems as though they’re not sure he even exists.

G. Gordon Liddy, actor, writer, and notable criminal, is adopting the unsurprising path of publicly ignoring reality. If we’re going to judge Liddy purely on looks, one would assume that he’s some kind of psychotic James Bond villain with a Stalin-stache. Of course, I would neverjudge him purely on his creepy-factor. But luckily, when he produces words from his puppet-like maw…like a bumbling, dimwitted clone of Walter Matthau, he quietly avoids the facts even when they are shoved mockingly in his face by the likes of Chris Matthews.

Needless to say, another loud voice in the movement is Right Wing Nutjob Alan Keyes…the man who believes that Gay Marriage will encourage Incest also believes that (I assume) that the only way that Obama can prove he was born in this country is if he returns to him the past 5 years. Obama defeated Keyes in the 2004 bid for a Senate seat; a savage beating which served to reiterate the idea that Alan Keyes is not only a National Joke, but a political and intellectual failure.

A major mouthpiece of the movement has been Conspiracy Theorist, Real Estate Agent, and Dentist Orly Taitz (heh…taintz). She is also a practicing lawyer, however, I considered that on behalf of responsible and intelligent lawyers, I’d leave that title out.

Taitz, it seems, is one of the main reasons this assault on common sense and reason has gained so much national coverage. Orly is a ‘lawyer’ who represents Stefan Frederic Cook, an enlisted soldier who is fighting his deployment to Afghanistan. His argument?

Cook feels that because Obama “wasn’t born in this country,” he is not legally president. Obama’s orders are therefore invalid, and following such orders into a war would be a violation of international law. This would undoubtedly mean that we are living during a time in history in which America has no leader.

Of course, even if this juvenile cunt were right; even if he were acting out of pure patriotism and not simply being a fucking pussy, Joe Biden would be his President and he would still have to go to war! In which case, Stefan would simply have to admit to his cowardice (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing…I don’t want to go to fucking war either!) and ditch his lawyer who seems to unfailingly suck at everything…like Lou Dobbs.

…but she is kinda attractive in a classical way, and her accent is cute. Why must all the hot Conservatives be so mind-bendingly fucktarded?

Sorry, Meghan McCain.

Fucking common sense...
Fucking common sense...

What we really have here isn’t an issue of patriotism or pride. It’s a clear cut issue of fear. Xenophobia and racism in America aren’t going away, no matter how many times your dumbass friend says “if we all marry someone of a different race, in another generation, there will be no hate.”

Trust me, I’m from Pennsylvania…the largest (if not, one of the largest) centers for White Supremacist Rednecks in the nation. Yeah, that’s right! Fuck you, Alabama! We’re on top!

It’s a shame, really…but as long as no one takes these assholes seriously, I think we’ll all be alright. We can easily change the topic.

Like…how gay is this shit?:

Alex G/

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